But I managed to get myself out for a morning walk regardless. It was just starting to rain during my walk. I thought this was fitting. It matched my mood. Outside, it was gray and foggy, drizzling and misty. Just like I was feeling inside!

And then I heard them. Birds. Chirping! Right there in the foggy, drizzling rain. Chirping away like it was spring-time!

I had “a moment.” This is what they mean when they say that we can honor our feelings in the moment and, at the same time, notice where there might be something to – well – chirp about.

Gratitude & Blessings to you….
The birds reminded me that even if it is gray outside, and seems grey inside, I can search (and sometimes I feel like I have to really search) for things to be grateful for. When I’m willing to honestly look for those things, they come tumbling out. It’s like dominoes.

I appreciate being able to be outside, in the winter, walking. I live somewhere that this is possible. And, perhaps most importantly, my body is able to do this! I am grateful to be able to walk, and to be able to do so on trails. This is not as simple as it may seem. Uneven ground is a whole “thang” for the feet, ankles, and brain to navigate.

This makes me aware of the other miracles of my body. Here I am, able to function in so many ways, after many years of drug abuse and other kinds of mistreating my beloved body temple. What a miracle just to be alive!

And there are others, today, whom I love and who love me. They are in my life. I can call them for support. I can pray for them. And they talk to me and tell me the truth, and they are willing to hear mine.

It goes on from there. From the wonderful friends in my life; to my beloved sweetheart, Z; to my family and my spiritual community; to the school I am in; to the funds to be able to be in school at all; to live in a country where, as a woman, I am “allowed” to receive an education; to live in a time when a woman can be a minister and spiritual leader; to live in a time when I can type this on my computer, and make changes in it, and post it on something called the internet; to live in a place with running water; to have drinkable water and plumbing; to live in a home that I love, with heating! – and on and on and on.

This is what the chirping birds reminded me that morning. When I’m right in the middle of feeling terrible, feeling like a loser, feeling very sorry for my self, if I am willing to look, I can find things to be grateful for. Right there, in the rain, I, too, can chirp.

Chirp, little bird. Chirp! ☺

Here’s the most recent example in my life. I have been feeling like it’s time for me to leave more of my weekends open. To step away from singing and teaching every weekend at a spiritual center somewhere in the country. After all, I am also very happily & gratefully working with clients at home during the week as well. And I love this work!

I’ve been feeling tired. I have been feeling this way, more and more strongly now, for months. The thing is that my calendar gets booked anywhere from three to six months ahead. When one does the math, they might notice that there seems to be a period of time when “she” will be traveling and performing on some weekends for some time after she decided it would be better if she did not.

I certainly do love singing, speaking and teaching at centers and spiritual events. Calling it work doesn’t even seem quite right. More like one of my greatest passions and joys. Singing about Spirit and transformation to a group of people who are committed to this type of work. It really doesn’t get much better than that, right?

But the saying “too much a of a good thing” comes to mind here. I remember an old song, ‘Too Much Fun.’ There does come a time when the body and being needs more rejuvenation than can be gotten at the pace I’ve been going. That time has come.

I’ve felt this before and stayed with the pace until I totally burned out and had to take YEARS off to heal my adrenals and get back to 100%. Not this time. Progress. ☺ And after a few more weeks, things settle down tremendously and I am grateful that I have listened and followed once again.

Meanwhile, as I’ve been watching this unfold, I see a pattern in my life. I change. Some would say I’m crazy to do this on purpose. But I know that as I consciously promote inner change in the direction of opening to greater good in my life, I will have greater good show up as my life. This is my experience and my spiritual practice. So I change.

But it seems that I change internally before the outside world catches up. This makes sense in the world of physics, when one understands that it is the internal change itself that encourages the “outside-world-changes.”

What I see is that in the midst of these two experiences, I have changed and life hasn’t caught up yet, there can be a feeling of intense conflict. I think we’re conditioned to think that conflict is something to be avoided. But I am inviting us all to question this conditioning!

So I say if you are feeling conflict, notice whether it’s actually a matter of your inner being having transformed or grown in some way and your life still catching up. When we remain patient, the world will come around.

The question for me today is “just how friendly can I become with this feeling of conflict?” When I can sit with it and allow it to be, recognizing it as answered prayer, I believe it allows the world to catch up faster.

Notice any ways your world is catching up to you these days?

In addition to all this, I seem to have gotten food poisoning from the dinner I ate on the way to the airport. It’s been a long time since I’ve had food poisoning.
I was feeling progressively more nauseous as I approached security. Just as I got to the guy who was going to check my I.D, I could feel it. I was not going to make it another minute. I asked him, very abruptly, where I might go to throw up – like now. He looked a little panicked and then pointed out a garbage can against the wall. As I speed-walked over, I suggested to the couple standing next to it that they may prefer to move. After I let them know why, they moved very quickly away. Then I did. I was ill. Right there. Gosh. Such a private thing to do in such a public place. But it’s not like I had a choice.

Then I felt better. I walked to my gate, waited and got on the plane all while feeling notably better. Right until we took off.
Just after taking off, I could feel it again. So you know those little bags they have on planes? I found one right in front of me! And they are like magic. They are impermeable and seal up very well. Wish I didn’t know that, but now you know too. Just in case.

Okay. So that’s the TMI part, but it’s a necessary set-up for this.

Here’s the part where I wonder if I am delusional. It just so happened that right across the aisle from me was an angel. His name is Robert. This man is a Southwest flight attendant, still in his work t-shirt. This is a man who has already seen and lived through the full spectrum of everything that can happen on a plane. He knew just what to do to be loving and supportive. And he chose to do this. Okay – really – who has that happen? I couldn’t help but feel grateful while he handed me a second magic-when-you’re-ill-bag, a can of water and some napkins just when I needed them.

As soon as the flight attendants were up, he jumped up and ran back to the attendants’ station, got me a garbage bag, a sparkling water , more magic-bags and a huge stack of napkins. No one else could have done this at this point!

So should I feel embarrassed that I got ill on a plane? Maybe. Or should I be totally blown away by the fact that of all people to be sitting across from when it happened, I just happened to be across from an amazingly caring off-duty flight attendant. My very own food-poisoning-on-a-flight-angel.

Perhaps you can see how I question the sanity of my response to getting food poisoning with gratitude and humor. And yet, how could I not see the gift in this wonderful experience? The magic of a body that knows when something bad for it, and says “NO!” immediately and gets it away. (Very nice boundaries, body.) The gift of knowing, while in the midst of feeling terrible, slightly embarrassed, and sorry for my neighbors, that this was going to be a very funny story to tell later. The miracle of this man, Robert, the off-duty flight attendant angel, being just across the aisle from me!

I may be delusional, I know. But I had to keep the smirk from coming to my face as I sat back to take deep breaths after this. I knew if people saw me smiling, I might frighten them. But seeing all this good makes me feel better. Back in the day, I would have only felt angry at the restaurant, guilty about the people around me, ashamed…on and on. But certainly not entertained or grateful.

And now I am grateful for my response of feeling grateful, too! I am happy that these days I see the magic, miracles and gifts in the little things. And the big things. Today, I see things as big that I would have missed entirely before. My life is better because I am grateful.

Hey. I bet it’s also better tomorrow because I am grateful today .
Just saying.
=====================
Ever been in a situation that was difficult and had an angel there for you? Ever been in the midst of something difficult and knew it’d be funny later? Tell me about it.

Our kitty, Lucy, had discovered a mouse during the day. Z called me to warn me that the cat had a mouse. She was on her way out of town and wanted me to know what I was coming home to. It made coming home very . . . well . . . different.

Aware that my thoughts help to create my reality, I came home scared. Yes, I was cognizant of the fact that if it came down to a battle between me and a mouse, I would surely win. But my mind did not feel calmed sufficiently by this. Honestly. I was freaked out!

I kept recalling the night years before when a mouse, thinking it was running to safety from the cat who was chasing it, ran UP MY PANTLEG! No kidding. Now that was a shock. One of those things I laugh about today.

I did not see this mouse though. Not until after I heard it. I figured I’d fall asleep and command myself to sleep through any noises. If I heard noises, I would know what they might be, after all. So how about I sleep through them? Not so.

First I started to hear those high little squeaks. I had forgotten they made that sound. Heartbreaking sound, that.

Torn between wanting to save the mouse and wanting to have Lucy finish its little life, I tossed in bed. Then I heard it start to climb the laundry basket. You can imagine that sound a basket makes? Yeah. Like that.

Finally, at 1 a.m., I gave up. I decided to make the downstairs guest bed and sleep in it. As I walked to the cupboard for sheets, I had to pass by the laundry basket. There was the little mouse, darting back down from having been sitting on top of it. I admit it – I screamed out loud and got shivers as I ran for my – ummm – life?

As I made the downstairs bed, I became aware of another level – my desire not to claim any responsibility. Struggling with the futon frame, I heard myself think something harsh about “Z’s cat.” This is part of the beauty of co-owning a pet who had belonged to one person before. When the cat is sweet and adorable, she is our cat. But that night, she was not my cat. She was definitely Z’s cat! I guess for this part of mind, my cat would be vegetarian? Hmmm.

Once downstairs in bed, I meditated myself into a calm. I reminded myself that the mouse that had run up my pantleg did not bite me. I told myself that the likelihood of this mouse making it down the stairs and through the crack at the door was nearly impossible. And I reminded myself that there was really nothing I could do about any of it. One thing did occur to me though.

I recently ran into my friend Jerry at Community Market. He’s recently retired. He’s gotten more deeply into a specific form of Buddhism. One thing he tracks in his daily life is being kind to others. This includes all living beings. It occurred to me that maybe I could call Jerry and ask him if he wanted to come over and save the mouse. But I didn’t think he’d appreciate the opportunity.

Ah, the silliness of the mind – and of domesticated animals. The strangeness, even, that we bring certain animals into our homes and call them “ours.” Lucy clearly does not think that she belongs to me, or to Z for that matter. She is clearly her own person – ah – cat. There is the good possibility, however, that we belong to her.

Either way, it always serves me to practice surrender. And this was a wonderful opportunity for the practice of surrendering. Thank you, Lucy!

Today, I changed my mind. I opened my heart and felt the suffering of the
world. It was oppressive. I chose to bring love to it. The suffering did not
disappear, but it did shift. Love infused my tears.

We can and should ache. To not do so would be to deny our humanity. But let
us not forget, in this time of global human suffering, that there is a
transformative power within each and every one of us that has the power to
affect, to offset to a greater or lesser degree, that suffering. Nothing, no
crisis, however great, can strip us of our ability to bring the
transformative power of love to any situation, any person, at any moment.

Doing so may not solve all of the worlds challenges overnight. But it may
allow us, as a species, to navigate those challenges with more compassion,
more understanding, and, without question, with more love.

My prayer for Japan this night?

Tonight I sit in holy silence. I am fully present to love in the midst of
pain. I will not turn from you. I am a bridge in consciousness for love to
cross over. May love infuse your tears. May you be free from suffering.

Rev. Jeff Anderson / March 15, 20111 / SpiritAsJeff.com