musings11

Back to Main Page

Musing #11

Celebrating 15 Years of Miracles

July 31, 2004 was an exciting date for me. I celebrated 15 years of sobriety. To support myself in having a fabulous evening, I created a party for myself. I spoke, we had cake, and then I played a 3-hour concert with an awesome 8-piece band and interpretive signer. It was uplifting, powerful, sweet and just all-round fabulous fun! Here is a written recap of the talk that I gave that evening:

As this date has been approaching, I have found myself thinking more and more about the gifts I have in my life that I would not have had I not become sober 15 years ago. I have such an amazing life. It is filled with blessings, music, creativity, joy, passion, amazing love and friendship. I have been realizing, more and more each day, that if I had not become, I would have nothing that I have today.

First of all, I'd likely be dead. If I were alive, I certainly would be wishing I were not. I know this because that's where I left off in my using 15 years ago. And I know one thing for sure; it does not get better!

So, indeed, as this benchmark date has been approaching, I have been increasingly grateful for all that I do have. But as I began to do research for this talk, I was completely blown away by the statistics! With this information, I have come to have a whole new compassion and understanding for those who have not yet found themselves "able to stop" abusing drugs and/or alcohol, a deeper compassion for myself during my own years of abuse. And the miracle of my standing here, sober, tonight is far clearer to me than ever before.

Here are the statistics I gathered, via the internet, about this disease:

The magnitude of the problem: * Alcohol is probably the oldest commercially available drug known to human beings. Commercial wine was well under way by 1500 B.C. * If you don't think alcohol is a poison, take an egg and drop it into Everclear, which is 95% pure alcohol. The egg will instantly turn white as it cooks. * Alcohol kills even the yeast that makes it. (I hadn't actually realized this before but that's why the alcoholic content of wine can only rise so high). Alcohol is a deadly poison and in high enough quantities, it kills all living things, including the yeast cells that produce it. * Over a lifetime, 27% of the population of this nation will suffer from a substance abuse disorder. * Approximately one in every ten Americans currently has an alcohol problem. * 25% of Americans will die of some form of substance abuse. This figure does include cigarettes. * 95% of alcoholics die of their disease, approximately 26 years earlier than their normal life expectancy. Alcohol disorders and related problems are more common among men but women are more prone to a rapidly deteriorating clinical course. Women are more likely to die of cirrhosis and violence caused by alcohol abuse and die 11 years earlier than their male counterparts. That means they are likely to die 36 years earlier than their (otherwise) normal life expectancy!

Consider what our country might be like if these numbers did not exist: * 50% of all cases involving major trauma are alcohol related. * 50% of all homicides are alcohol related. * 40% of all assaults are alcohol related. * More than 75% of female victims of nonfatal, domestic violence reported that their assailant had been drinking or using drugs. * Approximately one half of state prisoners and 40% of federal prisoners incarcerated for committing violent crimes report that they were under the influence of alcohol or drugs at the time of their offense. * Approximately three quarters of ALL prisoners in 1997 were involved in alcohol or drug abuse in some way in the time leading up to their current offense.

Genetic Factoring: * Alcoholism is not caused by psychological problem. It is a primary disease. * More than half of current drinkers have a family history of alcoholism. * It is generally said that alcoholism seems to be caused by 40% genetic factors and the remaining 60% by factors we don't yet understand. It is considered to be a polygenetic disorder - related to many different genes - each of which only contributes a portion of the vulnerability. * Children of alcoholics demonstrate 3 to 4 times the risk of developing the disorder. * All adolescents' nucleus accumbens portion of the brain - which is involved in motivation- is not yet fully developed. Teenagers with any positive family history of alcoholism show even less activation in this region of the brain! Their motivation system does not respond to normal social rewards. It takes more stimulation for them to feel the same level of positive feelings! But the drugs and alcohol go right to the brain and say "this feels really good. I don't feel this good very much." * In a University of CA, San Diego study, scientists found that the nucleus accumbens and other areas of the brains of teenagers who abused alcohol lit up - a lot more that those of non-drinking teens- when exposed to alcohol advertisements. Susan Tapert, PhD (who reran her data after seeing the first study's results because they were unbelievable to her) said "when I first saw the extent of the differences [in activation of these brain regions] between normal kids and kids abusing alcohol, I fell off my chair! These adolescent abusers aren't homeless or in treatment, they're from upper-middle class families; they're getting by in high school. Physically, they're fine." * Teens with a family history of alcoholism - regardless of whether they drink themselves or not - respond more favorably to advertisements than teens without such a family history. * The average 18-year-old has seen 100,000 television commercials encouraging him or her to drink alcohol.

Effects on Brain: * The brain of someone addicted to alcohol is a changed brain. Alcoholism rewires how the brain performs - even routine tasks. Studies have shown that alcoholics tend to perform at the same level as non-alcoholics, but their brains work much harder to get perform the same tasks. * The brain is amazing in its' ability to create balance between the systems of our bodies. The chronic use of any mood-altering chemical first chemically changes the brain as the cells respond to the poison by producing counteracting chemical compounds that reduce effects on the cell, creating balance in the system. When the use continues, the brain changes in structure and, finally, it changes in genetics. Once addiction kicks in, choice is removed. The person must drink to feel normal. * The brains of alcoholics are smaller, by about 5%, than the brains of non-alcoholics. Especially vulnerable is the prefrontal cortex, known as the seat of "executive" brain functions such as reasoning. Some of this damage appears to be reversible, as scans have shown brain expansion after just a few weeks of sobriety. However, when relapse strikes, the gray and white matter shrivels up again. (This would be why, for those of us with this disease, we are unable to manage our drinking or using. Because after just one, that part of the brain which handles reasoning is unavailable for reminding us why we really do not want to have more)!

* In 1993 approximately 500,000 individuals across the country were treated for alcoholism, and roughly 50% of them relapsed within the first three months of sobriety. My husband, in his work as a physician, estimates that over a longer period the number of people who can remain sober is closer to 10% at best!I read these statistics because I was so totally blown away by them myself!æ I am all the more grateful to be standing here today, sober. My dream is that my reading these numbers to you may create the possibility of the following: * that those of you who still struggle with this substance abuse may realize you need to and can reach out for the support that is available to you in order to stop, if you are ready to do so. * that those of you who are clean today have a deeper compassion for yourself and an increased gratitude for your sobriety. * that those of you who do not have this disease but whose lives may be affected by someone who does, might have greater understanding of this disease.

For many people who are in my life now, it is hard for them to imagine me as a using drug addict. And so I will tell you that part of my history.

I am the youngest of three children. (We are all sober today.) When I was in the sixth grade, at 11, I smoked pot for the first time. I loved it! I did not remember my first drink. However, at this July 31 event my cousin Bonnie was there. When I said that, she said that she did remember! I was 2 years old and my parents were having a party. The adults thought it'd be funny to see me try to walk after drinking, so they all gave me lots of sips from their drinks. I am not sure I'd quite say "I started drinking when I was two", but it brought a few giggles and moans anyway but I believe the loudest groan came from my mother.

By the seventh grade, I was "a speed freak". My best friends' step-brother's girlfriend's mother somehow gave her huge bottles of "cross-tops". I took those regularly a little less than a year later when I overdosed on the same. I was with my parents and I was hallucinating and telling them what I was seeing (I didn't know I was hallucinating, after all). Then I blacked out for three days. I still don't remember those three days but years later, when I mentioned this to another person who had been there, they suggested I might not want to know. I left it alone. (gulp)

Two different times in my life, as a sophomore in high school (at 15) and again as a freshman in college (at 18), I was way into LSD. (That year of high school my boyfriend was a dealer.) With LSD you have to take twice as much each day as the day before in order to attain the same high. So I would take one, then the next day two, then four, eight and finally 16. I would then take a day off so that I could get high again without taking 32 (which I do also recall doing once). As I say this now, of course, it sounds absolutely insane.

Anyway, my life in relationship with drugs changed dramatically when, at 18, I traveled to Hong Kong. I was on a ship which was a college when at sea. In Hong Kong there are drugs available over-the-counter that aren't here. I had been partying (drinking) and not eating all day. We were leaving port that night, which meant it would be a long, hard party night. I wanted to be able to keep on partying so I decided to buy some amphetamines. So I went into a store and said to a man who obviously didn't speak English (how dumb is this?): "No eat. No sleep." He, solving my problem of not being able to eat or sleep, gave me pills that were "downers" (250 mg. each). I ran back to the ship and took 8. (I think it was 8.)

By the time I was found and someone realized I needed medical attention, we were out at sea. Thus, all that was available was the ship's medical facilities. They found out that I had taken the drugs long enough prior to them finding me that pumping my stomach would be futile. All they could do was monitor me through the night.

Years later, when I was telling the story to a nurse, I mentioned the part about waking up in the morning with my chest in excruciating pain. She had me repeat part of the story. I later confirmed (with the dean from that ship) that my heart did stop more than once that night. I do not recall any of "the near-death experience". However, after returning from that overdoes experience, all desire and even thinking about chemical drugs as a form of entertainment, had been removed from me. I still think that Whomever or Whatever met me and said "hey - you have work to do. But in order to keep you alive long enough to do it, we're just gonna remove this little defect from you."

All I know is that when I got home (days later) I had no desire to see or hang out with any of my old friends. I did not think about chemical drugs. I did, however, purchase a pound of marijuana for personal use and proceeded to smoke it in the following four months. (Pot was certainly not the quality then that it is today).

My romance with pot continued until I was 31 years old. Every night, for about a year, I would say "O.K. Tomorrow I am not going to smoke." And each day I would make it until an earlier and earlier time before I would find myself saying, "Well, obviously, since I made it this long I CAN stop whenever I want to. I just don't really feel like having that be today". I would then get high. Eventually, being high was not fun any more.

By then, I had a few friends who were in recovery. In particular, there was one guy with whom I'd been becoming fast friends during the last few months of my using. He would occasionally mention some horrifying story to me, about "when he was drinking". At the time, he was 3 years sober. These stories were dramatic and disgusting to me. I kept thinking, "Hell, if he can get sober after being that kind of drunk, maybe there's a chance for me too!?"

On July 30, 1989, I called him and left him a message on his answering machine. "It's Melissa. I am standing here. I have a joint in one hand and a match in the other. I really don't want to smoke this. But I don't think I can not smoke it either. Give me a call when you get home." He did call. I was high. And regretful.

He was perfect with me. He aid, "I have a suggestion. Would you like to hear it?" "Yes." "I recommend you get out the phone book and look up Narcotics Anonymous." "O.k." I did. "I have another suggestion. Would you like to hear it?" "Sure." "I suggest you hang up and call them. Find out when and where they have meetings tomorrow. Then call me back, O.K?" I did that. And when I called back to say there was a meeting the next day at noonand that I was planning to go, he said,"I have one last recommendation." "O.K." "I suggest you raise your hand by the end of that meeting and say that you are new and you need a sponsor, even if just for a few days."

I did those things. That Monday noon meeting was the first time I said out loud those powerful words "I am an addict". I am very grateful to be able to say that that day was the day I got sober, now 15 years ago.

I remember going to a meeting a week later and watching people get chips. I was getting my 24 hour chip at that meeting. They were counting down and there were many people getting chips for long periods of time. I noticed I simply could not relate to those people getting a chip for being sober a year or longer. But when they got down to those people getting 6 months and 3 months and 90 days, I was awed and inspired. It was amazing to me that someone could make it that long! Anything beyond that amount of time was simply inconceivable to me.

Having had two dear friends start to drink and use again after 15 years of recovery (in their 15th year, as they say), I am so very aware that the one chip that ever matters is that one for 24 hours! It's all I have today. Today. That's it.

I am deeply grateful to be a walking, living miracle. To be a person with this disease who, truly by the grace of God, has lived some years sober. And what a blessing my life is! I would have nothing and I have so much! I am deeply, deeply grateful to all those who have walked before me, and alongside me, so that I may have this.Many blessings to you on your journey, whatever that path may be!

A very special thanks to the band--- Hal Forman: Trumpet, Flugelhorn; Frank Hayhurst: Guitar; Paul Olguin: Bass; Brent Rampone: Drums/Percussion; Background Vocalists: Randy Phillippe, Annie Stocking and Allyson Paige; and Interpretive Signing: Jennifer Mann.


Melissa