Oops – lost my groove – of writing on my blog.
What happened is that one of my very dearest and closest friends of 26 years, the most awesome soundman ever, Brian Connolly, died suddenly in his sleep, at the age of 51 years old. That was the morning of March 10 – and there ya’ have it. That is “where I’ve been”.
Grief is such a strange walk – it’s very own thing, or place, for sure. It’s been amazing to practice presencing myself in the Now when there is such shock there…and the deep sadness that is waiting there in waves. I think I must thank God for the waves…for I imagine I could not take it if I were to actually “get it” in one moment alone…
Grief. It is simply it’s very own thing.
Since that morning, when I got “the call”, I’ve had some events and appointments I felt I needed to keep. I was teaching, speaking with and supporting clients on the phone and in person, and singing at Centers, all while absorbing this new information, this new life. My life without Brian in it. It may take me years to fully absorb this, or maybe I never really will – I think maybe we just kind of get used to it.
So – all that has been happening within me, and I HAD been trying to keep up my schedule…. And so here I am.
The Universe seems to be loving me – by giving me the perfect ailment – a stomach flu that seems fine until I want to DO something. Even this sitting up and typing is a stretch right now. Anything involving walking or ANY physical activity and my stomach is completely cramped.
Just another way the Universe loves me…this time with the flu. What an amazing place we live. Life Itself loving us, always in the perfect way – even when we aren’t looking or noticing.
So as I say goodnight for tonight, I thank my sweet and wonderful brother of 26 years. This was a man so deeply loved by so very many. Brian was one of those people who was able to love people of all walks, all lifestyles, ages and backgrounds. He didn’t seem to have “his people” because PEOPLE were his people.
I am not going to glorify him here in some silly way by pretending that there was never a person he didn’t like. That would not be true. But if there WAS a person who rubbed him the wrong way, you could be sure he would tell you about it in a way so completely funny, you’d be crying laughing.
Brian Connolly supported me and loved me through so many times. He told me the Truth sometimes when it was excruciating, and occasionally saved my life in doing so.
He CERTAINLY has been one of my core people, one of the real pillars of my life. I knew him when I was a using addict, and now, almost 19 years into sobriety, I am letting him go. NOT from my heart. For he is as alive there, both in my heart and in my memories, as ever.
I will continue adjusting to life without his physical presence – a life without Brian fixing my stuff, sending me hysterical e-mails every week & telling me the very best stories, calling me after a holiday to see how mine was – and loving me in a way no one else ever could, or ever will.
Good night my dearest Brian. Soundman extraordinaire. Human of the very highest caliber. Friend of a lifetime.
Thank you. I love you.